Trans* Talk: T4T Relationships
The Evergreen Echo
Note: Some individuals interviewed intentionally use lowercase letters for their names and “I” statements. Editing has reflected their preferred self-references.
I entered my first T4T relationship in September of 2024, and it completely changed my perspective on what love could be. It obviously doesn’t hurt that my partner is one of the funniest, kindest, and smartest men I know, but a big part of our relationship is built on our experience as Trans* people. For me, a relationship with another Trans* person, whether that relationship is platonic, romantic, or otherwise, has its own unique perspective and feeling, one that is inaccessible for me in a cis relationship. But I know that not all Trans* individuals have this experience, so I sought out members of my community to share their input on T4T love. Gracefully and with kindness, many of my siblings offered their perspective, and for that I am unspeakably grateful.
T4T or “Trans for Trans” refers to relationships between Trans* individuals. While T4T typically refers to romantic and/or sexual relationships, it has broadened over time, encompassing all relationships between two or more Trans* people. The reason for T4T’s popularity is layered, but ultimately boils down to understanding. While the Trans* experience is not a monolith (more on this later), there are many places where Trans* experiences can overlap and intermingle, places where we can meet each other where we are. T4T has become more commonplace in the Trans* community over the years, especially as the persecution of Trans* individuals continue here and abroad. In my communities, I have often seen these relationships sought out and celebrated.
Before moving on, I want to clarify that while I am a participant in, and highly value, T4T relationships, I am not of the opinion that cis people are incapable of the kind of love to be found in T4T relationships. In my experience, T4T is different, but not inherently better. As I said before, the Trans* experience is not a monolith and neither are T4T relationships; below you will read the opinions of all kinds of Trans* folks who view T4T in a myriad of ways. I am grateful for their insights, but implore you to keep an open mind and form your own opinions. Love is beautiful, strange, and comes in a billion different shapes. Though T4T love has been life-changing for me, it is not the only shape of love.
The Evergreen Echo
“i joined my first t4t relationship in 2021,” writes jam (he/she), “i had never met someone who understood me on the level that they did… We were able to communicate on a higher level.”
In each of my interviews, this ability to communicate better and feeling comfortable was often cited as a reason that T4T relationships felt different from previous relationships. Similarly, Mason (he/him) says, “It’s nice to be with someone who understands me on a deeper level than most cisgender people probably could… I don’t feel shame about my body around [my partner] because our bodies are so similar, and I know he’s not looking at me with judgement.” As an added bonus he says, “Trans people are funnier than cis people.”
There are, of course, other kinds of T4T relationships that are not romantic. jam calls her trans sibling “my best friend, my ride or die, the other half of my soul.” For E. (they/them), their T4T experience has been with their best friend. “We have been best friends for about nine years now.” They told me. “I came out to myself and them about two years ago… A lot of the time it’s a very normal friendship, but when I came out to him, our friendship definitely got deeper… Call it trauma bonding, but being trans has definitely brought us closer together.”
Sterling-Elizabeth (she/they) shared with me a beautiful story about her friend, Jay: “Probably my longest standing T4T friendship has been with Jay. We're both transfemme and connected through a writing class, and have stayed in touch since... I think being transfemme gave both me and Jay, in similar ways, more complex understandings of how the world, gender, patriarchy, hierarchy, and marginalization work, in particular around transfemme people. It offers us a lot of common ground for discussion, but also a lot of areas where we challenge each other to further develop those understandings. I don't get to talk to Jay as much as I would like to, but I know I love them, and I know they love me, and that's no small thing.”
I also asked the participants if they thought other Trans* folks should try T4T dating, friendships, and other relationships, which is where many opinions diverged. For jam, he believes “t4t dating can be wonderful and beautiful, but it’s going to be a lot… a t4t relationship is likely to involve people that have a lot of complicated emotional baggage and needs [but] i still think it is worth it.” Mason, on the other hand, candidly replied, “Yeah, trans people are great! I only want to date trans people for the rest of my life.” And for E.: “I definitely would recommend it… Having a trans friend can be great to share wins with and also commiserate with… You understand what each other are experiencing more than cis people ever truly can, and that’s not to knock our cis allies, but to reinforce that trans friendships are powerful.”
Sterling-Elizabeth added, “Transness can be a beautiful axis of connection, but I also like to emphasize that literally transitioning and being able to understand and connect are not the same thing. I know people who are only interested in labeling themselves trans in conversations with other trans people. I also know cis people who have surprisingly complicated relationships with and knowledge of gender and its meanings in our world… I also feel enormous kinship with these people, with gender non-conforming cis people, and people who don't let gender and/or patriarchy shape who they are and how they treat others.”
The Evergreen Echo
While many of my respondents were highly complimentary of their T4T relationships, one of my respondents, wim (he/him), graciously and honestly called out T4T exceptionalism. “25 years ago I stood in my mother's garden and promised a man, 'for now while it works'. We got hitched, we had fun. We had kids, borrowed money, ate nearly only perogies… He changed and i changed, apart and together… This man was, and is, to this day cis. He let me be myself and i let him be his. That's not a t4t anomaly. That's just real love.” Though wim is in a relationship with another person who happens to be Trans* now, he does not distinguish either relationship as better or worse than the other. “We wouldn't need t4t exceptionalism if we hadn't let our standard for love lose its way,” he says.
This comment blew me away. It is true, I think, that the understanding and open communication that I have found in my T4T relationships should be how all love feels. Though personally I have found that sort of love in T4T, that doesn’t mean it does not exist elsewhere. I am grateful for wim’s perspective—I do believe his opinion is an important one.
Though I will sing the praises of my Trans* partner and friends till the cows come home, I think it’s important to say again that our relationships and experiences are not a monolith. While some of us choose only to date other Trans* folks, others of us do not value the relationships with Trans* partners over those with cis partners. Some can also find the view that “T4T is best” to be damaging. wim’s words in particular reminded me of Jen Ayers’ rock opera, SHe Said, in which Ayers talks about her relationship with her Trans* partner as they both navigated the process of coming out later in life. Their relationship was/is not, as wim says, a “T4T anomaly,” it is just love. I do not believe that their relationship would be better if they were both Trans*, and T4T relationships are not without their faults just as all relationships are not without their faults. Sterling-Elizabeth put this beautifully: “I think all kinds of love and companionship are intricate and multivalent. While T4T is a place it is easier to find understanding, respect, and connection as a trans person, and often allows for deeper versions of these, T4T is not one thing and trans people are not one thing.”
I think that’s an important message for all of us who seek T4T relationships or any kind of relationship. Though T4T can offer so many of us deeper connection and understanding, there is no one kind of fail-proof relationship. A relationship between two or more Trans* folks, two or more cis folks, or any combination of individuals, has its own challenges and its own triumphs.
The Evergreen Echo
I hope that you have found in these responses something that resonates with you. I love to talk and hear about love, especially in hard times. I wish that, like me, you find a small nugget of hope in the words of my fellow Trans* folks that you can carry around with you, in your pocket or in your heart. Though it can become difficult, part of my resistance comes with choosing love, choosing acceptance, and choosing understanding. The places where we meet are beautiful but so are the places where we are different, and offering space for these differences is paramount as we build up our community to face what is ahead. Thank you for reading.
